I know it makes no sense to say happy birthday when you were never given the opportunity to so much as be born into this world. But, my love, if you were one of the 4% that arrived into your parent’s lives on the actual due date, today you would be 2 years old. So today I stop and I think of you… September 9 is always yours.
As I opened my eyes this morning, they immediately filled with tears, spilling out as my whole body shook in sobs.
I know I made the right decision. The tears are not born of regret. I would not have been able to give you the life you deserved. The parents you deserved.
You would have been perfection, sweetheart. You were made from so much love. Love between two people that would have given you this great mix of genes.
The tears were sadness at not having been able to meet you in this world. Not being able to give you the entire universe on a string. Sadness that although it may have been the right decision, it will always be one of my most heartbreaking. (And I fear another such decision is imminent)
This year was harder than the last two.
Ive never believed in an after life. I thought death was just a light switching off. Game over.
But as Chopper was playing by the border of life and death, they came to me. My girls somehow found a way to come see me, Zoe and Lulu. And the entire time I was with them there was this toddler in the background. It wasn’t until afterwards as I thought back to it that I realised it was you. I never saw your face but I just know it was you.
Until that day I always thought of you as a jelly bean. 9 weeks isn’t a lot of time to grow much bigger than that. So I apologize that this is the first time I’m speaking to you.
But regardless of whether that encounter was real or not, the slightest possibility that you’re out there somewhere makes my heart ache for you. In some realm or universe or spiritual plane there may exist a place where you and Zoe and Lu… And soon Chop… All are. Well, it’s hard for me not to long to be there too.
I don’t want to wait any number of decades to be there. To finally be able to hold you. And to bury my face in Zoe’s fur and squeeze Lulu’s rolls. To not spend one day without the Chop.
I love you, my darling. And while it’s not your birthday, it is your day.