Run

I’m not sure why I feel like I can run away from it.

Can you ever really run from a feeling? Escape from it with distance? Distance from a place or distance from reality. Distance from sanity maybe?

As if either can hold it.
Hold it to keep it from you. Hold it just long enough to give you a head start. A chance to break free.

As if it lives anywhere else but within you.
Tangled within each molecule and engrained into every fibre of your being. Pulsating through with every beat of your heart.

You’re not enough it says.
It’s a constant reminder that nobody loves you.
You can’t expect anyone to want you, it nags.
It brands you as unlovable.

Its a cloud around you. Keeping you from seeing the possibility. Just maybe there’s the start of something resembling affection in front of you. Maybe you can start to believe you are enough for someone.

No, you’re mistaken. It can’t be.
They were right. You always knew that they were on the money. Nobody could ever love YOU.

Don’t have

There is still a part of me that wants the distance and the silence to be too much for you. For the quiet to make you ache for my voice. For the space to make you desperate for my touch.

I want you to come back realising your world feels empty without me in it. And that your heart struggles to beat while it’s not in time with mine.

I want. I want. I want.

But reality cares very little for what I want. And I need to train my brain to see what I have. And what I don’t have.

You.

You?

I want you
But I want the version of you
That wants me

That you doesn’t exist

Old boots

I’ve settled back into life alone
Like slipping into a pair of old boot
After an evening in stilettos

Though it was great fun
To twirl in pretty shoes
For a while

To feel pretty
And loved
To feel your gaze upon me

It was but a part to be played

I did not belong in that moment
I only meant to feel it
Then leave it

To slip back into my boots

Why

I asked the dog today
“Do you know why I love you?”

When he didn’t reply
I answered

“There is no why
I love you for just being”

I don’t know how

When will I stop loving you
When will the loss cease to hurt
When will all the holes be filled again

I don’t know when
I don’t know how

Why do the days come still
Why does the time keep ticking on
Why won’t the earth keep from spinning

I don’t know why
I don’t know how

What does it mean to love again
What joy does life still claim to hold
What am I meant to do every minute, every hour

I don’t know what
I don’t know how

What do I know?
What comes to me?

I know my heart won’t ever stop
Beating in time with you

I know my arms will never not
Reach out seeking you

I know the last thought I have
Will always be of you

I know these things will always be
But none more so than this…

I know you’re here
Although you’re not

Drowning

Help me. I’m drowning.

The air is thick and I cannot breathe it in.

I don’t know which way is up.

Or down.

Or to the side.

I can’t see light. I can’t feel light.

It’s dark and heavy and I don’t know how to move within it.

Help me, I’m drowning.

Drowning in an air everyone else seems able to breathe.

Drowning with my feet flat on the ground.

I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breathe. How much longer I can tread, searching for the surface.

I can’t break it if I don’t know where it is.

I can’t break it if I don’t know where it’s not.

Please, help me.

If you can find me, please, send help.

Hate

Dear Chopper,

I hate this world without you in it.

I hate every perfect sunset and each breath taking vista.

I hate the warmth of the sun on my skin, muted by the cool breeze blowing across the sands.

I hate the sparkle of light playing on the surface of the water and the sound of the waves crashing down and lapping onto the shore.

I hate all the adventures the world holds – each enthralling new place to explore.

I hate every smile from a stranger and every wag of a passing dog’s tail.

I hate this world, my love, in all its beauty and splendour.

I hate this life, not because it’s cruel and ugly.

Not because it’s been unkind to me.

This universe treats me better than I deserve – I know that. And this earth fills me with an infinite amount of awe and love – I feel it everyday.

I hate it, Chopper.

I hate it so incredibly much simply because it no longer has you in it.

And what good is all that’s beautiful here if I don’t have you to share it with?

What is there to want here?

The emptiness you’ve left is a vacuum. One I’m struggling to breathe within. It doesn’t seem to have a beginning or an end. There’s no light awaiting me somewhere. Just a vast blackness that I’m lost within.

I’m so lost, baby. There seems to be so many directions that ‘up’ doesn’t even seem to come into play. There are endless dimensions and none of them make sense as the right way to go. Like no matter what I choose, I’ll be wandering through a dense darkness forever.

For longer than forever.

I know I can’t have you back. That life in this world for me will forevermore be without you.

Without.

I don’t know how to want a life without you. No matter how perfect it may be. Or how much happiness it holds.

All I want is to be with you. There is nothing else.

New

The new year has never really meant too much to me. It’s a human construct, mostly; and the first of January is just another day.

This year felt very different.

As the clock ticked closer and closer to midnight on the 31st of December 2018, the tears started welling up in my eyes. There was no real trigger but I somehow realised that we were entering a year that has never had Chopper in it. 2019 never got the chance to meet my kid. Chop won’t get the opportunity to make his mark on this year.

And as soon as my conscious brain grasped what the sub was hinting at, I fell apart.

It all of a sudden felt like the clock striking midnight was me taking a step away from Chopper. Leaving him behind in 2018.

And as much as my rational mind knows that simply isn’t true, that it’s just another day… I couldn’t stop sobbing. I held on to the box that housed his ashes and the sadness shook my entire body.

He’s gone. And the year that knew him is gone now too.

And I don’t know how to go a whole year without him. I don’t want a fresh start. I want to rewind. I want to relive each of his 12 years over and over again on repeat, just to get the most time with him.

I have no interest in 2019.

2019 has no Chopper in it.

So I avoid the happy new year greetings… I can’t bring myself to describe it as happy. And I honestly don’t know how I’ll ever be happy without him.

I know.

Hi baby,

It’s been so long since I’ve been able to hold you.

I don’t really know what to do with myself.

I don’t know how to reconcile myself with the thought that I won’t ever hold you again.

I know that I need to honour all the work you’ve put into me. You did so much for me. I know how ungrateful it seems to throw that all away. I know, baby, I know.

But this world, without you in it… It’s horribly empty.

Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s a beautiful world, filled with so many beautiful people. I know there’s so much more to explore and so much more love to give. I know, baby, I know.

But it’s a lesser place without you in it. Less shiny. Less interesting. Less loving. Less safe… I could go on and on.

You brought so much to my world; to this world.

Maybe no-one else notices how the skies are a less vibrant shade of blue. Or how the sun’s touch doesn’t feel quite as warm anymore. Maybe their hearts don’t ache when they don’t feel that extra bit of love you filled the air with. It always felt tangible to me.

Maybe no-one else can feel the change 15 October brought to this world. But I can.

And, if it was a sound, it would be deafening.

And I’m so lucky that I have so many incredible people around me that love me and want to help. I know how much support I have available to me. They’re all trying so hard to muffle the sound. They’re holding me close and buying me headphones. I know all this, baby, I know.

I’m overwhelmed with the outpouring of love I’ve felt. I really, truly am.

I know that you and Zoe and Lu have shaped me into the kind of person that can do some good in this world. I know I have the capacity to touch lives in some small way. I’m so grateful that you’ve gifted me this. And I know I need to use it. I know, baby, I know.

But I don’t know how to keep putting one foot in front of the other when you’re not walking beside me. I don’t know how to inhale and exhale over and over again without your body against mine, guiding my breath.

I don’t know how to not want to be with you. I’m struggling to understand what the point of me is without my Chopper.

I know everyone thinks I’ve lost my buddy and my companion. They don’t know. They don’t know how you were my entire world. How you were my best friend, my partner, my family, and, most of all, my kid. They don’t understand that you were my heart. Not a part of it, but its entirety.

And now you’re gone.

And I know I seem ok on the outside. I’m not breaking down. Because my world isn’t collapsing around me. Because my heart isn’t breaking. They’re just gone. My heart, my world… It all just seems to have ceased to exist that moment I felt your last breath leave your body.

So, I know all the things I have to feel and do, baby. Really, I do. But I just want you.